


Phase

by shenkleys



Series: OT3: Alliance Spectre Trinity [5]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Gen, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-24
Updated: 2014-06-24
Packaged: 2018-02-06 00:28:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,614
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1837714
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shenkleys/pseuds/shenkleys
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ashley passes through the darkness to emerge into the light.</p><p>*</p><p>~They are long, few seconds, when the galaxy stills and the Reapers let them have this, long seconds where nobody is dying, no worlds being disintegrated with violent beams, just loved ones winding around one another to believe and hope for a future again~</p>
            </blockquote>





	Phase

 

**I. Nightmare**

 

It’s like a dream, seeing the fiery and glowing form of Kaidan, a powerful surge of torrential blue against the stark red backdrop of Mars, vivid colours contrasting so gloriously in the Lieutenant-Commander’s eyes as she watches him shove Liara harshly to the ground while raising a hand in instinctive defence. That hand is shimmery, that strange liquid-gaseous azure she has come to naturally associate with him, covering and warping his fingers together in a weird haze she cannot see through clearly, blinking out at the sun like an invincible god. But that hand is suddenly yanked roughly forward, so hard that it’s enough for Ashley to know it instantly dislocates from the Major’s shoulder. There’s an anguished yelp, and Kaidan is thrown behind the silver, slender body, his head colliding first against a shuttle being licked by the black smoke of flames within the slowly depressurising cabin, a spinning wave of blue engulfed in the opaque fog, like it pulls him to his gallows where the same glorious blue fizzes out to be replaced by nothing as shields and barriers fail. There is no invincible god. Kaidan is consumed whole, and Ashley yells in this dream, a _nightmare_ , now, hears Shepard shouting unintelligibly from the other side with her new marine friend, and then the silver body is sprinting towards her, dodging and leaping around so fast Ashley’s rifle streaks around in fear when she takes in Kaidan’s crumpled form stirring too slowly in the midst of melting metal when the Mars air clears the thick, black smog.

It isn’t even two full seconds before the android is on her, iron grip twisting Ash’s wrist to break as she drops her rifle, that she knows her hand is dangling from her joint as her undersuit stretches with it, bone splintering and skin stretching grotesquely, the pain _unimaginable_ , and then the other android hand is going straight for her helmet, blotting out her sight and scraping her visor. It’s still a nightmare - because there’s no other explanation for this that makes sense - when the Lieutenant-Commander feels her feet lifting off the ground, feels her helmet being crushed inwards as her body hangs heavily from her neck, pressure on her throat increasing. Ash’s hardsuit’s sensors are screaming and flashing red everywhere about damaging compression and dwindling oxygen, vision immediately greying around the edges so scarily fast she cannot concentrate on all the alarms and dinging shrieking for her attention where her armour is rapidly giving way, organs pressing in on themselves that she knows she’s dead.

It’s still a nightmare when Ashley feels her head slam inside her own head gear, pain exploding from her ears and shoulders, wonders crazily if her brain matter is leaking through a cracked skull as she feels her teeth shake and jaw break, feels her back snap that the agony is indescribable, shooting from her spine down to her feet. She imagines her nerves burning away, body shrivelling up and lungs collapsing internally, needlessly dramatic in ways she never thought possible. _This is it_ , Ashley knows, _the end_ , so quick and pitilessly snuffed out like billions of others now at war, just another unknown and unimportant name to be added on a memorial with countless other casualties, where the roaring storm of Mars and her own blinding terror isn’t enough to drown out her Commander before her throat ruptures and she blacks out on the second hit when her HUD blinks out; this strange dream ending with her biting down on her own tongue, splitting it and tasting her own sour blood in her mouth that she decides she’ll inhale and spatter on the insides of her lungs with her own life.

 

 

**II. Death**

 

It’s no longer a nightmare, but death, when Ashley feels her body floating, moving as fluid and flying gracefully somewhere dead people go to; she doesn’t know. But it still manages to excite her somehow, even if she can’t say why or put together the pieces in her mind, flooding through this place she has reached, her body mass expanding in all directions that gravity itself no longer holds meaning. The shapeless beings surrounding her in beautiful halos somehow manage to match her pace even though Ashley is so sure she’s streaming along faster than humanely possible, that it simply _must_ be death, something definitely not physical any longer, this death which has taken her where ever she’s raring to go to.

There’re voices, a mixture of new and old, achingly familiar tones that strike a chord inside her that she fuzzily thinks she should know of them, of distant harmonious sounds that caress her form in sweetness and fills up within her, belonging with her and _in_ her, and then just like that, Ash is suddenly gripped with fear again. Because now it hits, that she knows there’re other people she should be remembering, should be worried about, a far off memory too hazy to be grabbed onto when they should be twining around her fingertips as easy as the air she breathes to etch into her lungs. Ashley is frustrated - Death isn’t peaceful, it feels messy and chaotic, the gentle halos she thought now wrong and gross, burning so bright it hurts her to look at them, like they’re suddenly flaming and roaring angrily, looking to wrap glossy tentacles around her to drag her away forever, away from the voices she now has figured out she must get back to. She struggles, because she realises something terrible has happened not just to her, but others she cares for with her heart too much, that her placid rest is no longer serene, the lying radiance flying along above her turning garish, soft murmuring of the voices becoming a loud, grating ringing in her ears as she fights. For the people she loves, Ashley fights the Beyond itself, wanting to punch and kick and scream, to _go back_. The shapes separate and merge beyond the limit of her vision, and she thinks they grow sharper a little as they race along, thinks she sees faces she has traced with her tongue in the night, before they blur back out into blackness. Whatever illusions they are, they are falling away from her form since they won’t have her, not now or ever, not without the rest of her heart still trapped down below.

 

 

**III. Life**

 

Her entire body is sore, skin spasming and twinging, skull throbbing mercilessly while blood rushes in her ears, but that’s how Ashley knows it’s life, feeling every bit of her weak physical form all at once, from her nose to her fingers to her faintly, wiggling toes. She opens her eyes to see, and it’s so white and blinding she’s frightened again she didn’t make it back, caught in an endless loop of being teased with separation from the ones she wants to stand beside with, but then Kaidan’s blurry face appears, his own eyes shiny and wide, looking exhausted and ill and so immensely relieved, ‘’Ash! _Thank God!_ We were- can you hear me?’’

He continues to speak so fast, faster than she can hear, words pouring out of his mouth as his hand acts like a healing balm on her bruises streaking _everywhere_ , body looming over and trying to peer at her face going crossed-eyed, but Ashley cannot concentrate. Her hearing is shit, but she can see something is off, frowning at her haggard partner garbling at her and waving a damaged arm limply about. Kaidan’s left arm is in a sling, his head covered in tiny cuts, burns washing around his neck making his skin look an irritated mess of purple and black scarring where flesh seems to have been eaten like disease. Ash lurches, painfully raises her own arm to reach out and touch his face, ‘’Wha-?’’

The Major catches her wrist gently, places it back on her mattress as he finally sits, thumb grazing warmly as he pulls in a deep breath to slow down, his frame looking shaky and lips trembling in teary happiness, ‘’I’m alright, Ash. Just a few scratches… you had the worst of it. You were so- I thought-‘’ he wheezes a bit, then scrubs his face harshly, ‘’I’ll explain later, I need to get the doctors.’’ It’s like the words tumbling out of his mouth have hit a road block, because Kaidan stutters and shakes his head, hand holding onto hers a tad too tightly that it hurts a little on her already raw bones, but Ash doesn’t say anything in response as she feels the slight shudder from his fingers. He’s gazing at her again, that she’s awake enough now to recognise the wave of terror behind the watery honey eyes, like he can’t believe it, so she forces to clear her dry throat and croak out, ‘’My face isn’t that bad, right.’’

Kaidan laughs brokenly, sniffing and wiping his nose, and then he practically collapses on her, his forehead merging to her temple, pressing in lightly as he exhales, hot breath whooshing over her icy cold skin. Ashley closes her eyes and lets herself be held as his right hand shifts to cup her jaw, hanging on to this moment, feeling the Major sigh against her face and his palm big on her hammering pulse he cannot draw away from. They are long, few seconds, when the galaxy stills and the Reapers let them have this, long seconds where nobody is dying, no worlds being disintegrated with violent beams, just loved ones winding around one another to believe and hope for a future again. He finally lets up, pulls back a little to look at her, smiling, and Ashley has to ask now, ‘’Shepard?’’

‘’She’s okay. She was here earlier. It’s-‘’ _complicated_ , the Lieutenant-Commander knows he wants to add, and they nod at each other before Kaidan kisses her forehead like a shrine he worships, whispers a soft, _I’ll be right back_ , then walks out with a slightly tilted gait to get the doctors he’s supposed to.

 

 

**IV. Love**

 

Kaidan fills her in on events when she can stay awake for longer than a few hours; of Mars, of Reapers, of the Council, of… Shepard backing out of the room she was lying in with a stricken expression and flying off to Palaven like a distressed, wounded animal. The word Spectre drapes over the both of them, but Ashley wants to see Shepard first and foremost, the bed she’s on too frustrating and confining she’s raring to leap out to action, much to the Major’s chagrin.

The next time she opens her eyes, Kaidan isn’t there, and neither is Shepard, but they will be soon. She manages to stand and hobble a bit until her muscles complain, then she’s falling down again, pissed at everything. Udina manages a few words with her, but it’s only when Shepard walks in that Ashley hears her heart sing, like seeing a long lost… comrade, friend, lover, whatever, _I don’t know_ , re-enter her life, because suddenly it feels vibrant, the grey and missing patch being glued back on as the boots thud with the beat of the spreading light. There are watery eyes again, the Commander’s dark skin just barely cracked open to showcase orange, glowing scars peppering her lower cheek, and Shepard rumbles, shifting on her seat to hoarsely greet her, ‘’Hey. I uh, got your message.’’ Ash grins, no thought given to the scabs stretching around her lips, and Shepard returns it, coughing once before she presents the tome tucked under her arm to continue, ‘’I got this. Thought you would, you know. Like it.’’

It’s ridiculous, her former CO probably has no idea what it is, but the mumbled _It’s for you_ means everything as Ashley receives it to place it on her chest, the weight comforting on her ribs, feel of the book thick and familiar in her hands. The Lieutenant-Commander glances back at the watery eyes again, an odd shimmer she doesn’t witness often, which Shepard herself makes no move to hide from her as her fingers sneak onto the bed, all five curling around one of Ash’s to hold on to. The touch so mild that Ashley freezes, because it feels like Shepard is afraid to fully wrap around her again, but also simultaneously afraid to fully let go, afraid she can never come back to what they so fortunately were in ease.

These are the same, long seconds again, little moments which feel so perfect out of time, sketched into her life just for her to draw on, and Ashley waits. Waits with her hand connected to another and her heart fluttering against the hardcover, drowsy and in pain but feeling the familiar stirrings of once buried affections coming forth. She looks at the Commander’s shiny eyes, goes for a ribbing smirk to explore, ‘’You crying for me, too?’’ It’s airy, meant to be amusing, but Shepard doesn’t take it that way, reaching out with both her hands now to properly wrap around Ashley’s, covering it whole and lifting it to her lips brushing featherlight against the pointy, uneven knuckles, ‘’Yes,’’ comes the serious answer, the Commander letting her eyes run over the shades of yellow and blue bruising on Ash, and murmurs out again, ‘’You had us worried.’’

‘’Sap,’’ she automatically replies, fondness bleeding through her tone so evident as she closes her eyes with a drugged out glaze, listening to Shepard’s undenying huff on her the back of her hand, the wet lips back to skimming her knuckles. But. _Us_. Not _me_. Which instinctively leads to the next question that spills from her mouth when she opens to stare at Shepard once more, the two portions inside her colliding, ‘’You talked to Kaidan?’’

‘’Yeah, when you were-‘’ _Near dead_ , Ash thinks, ‘’Unconscious,’’ Shepard tactfully goes for instead, lowering the hand she’s cradling back onto the mattress, swallowing and glancing away to soldier on in a hushed tone, ‘’We did. About… well. Cerberus. Horizon. Mars. Everything.’’

‘’You two good?’’

‘’I… think so.’’

The Lieutenant-Commander hums, lying back to stare at the dull ceiling, but it’s better, because they get to talk out in the open, just as Shepard says – _Cerberus. Horizon. Mars. Everything_. Four walls feeling protective and secure, that the room is a complete neutral ground to float on graciously, that things become illuminated when previously they were shrouded with suspicion and despair. Kaidan walks in sometime later, mouth curving upwards only just at the sight of them before sitting on the other side of Ash’s bed, two guardians framing her on either end like pillars. And just like that, it’s complete. Quiet flowing between them and seeping through their pores, the usual waves ebbing along that helps them mend back together, the snaking tendrils curving out of their skins the moment they troop bravely onto friendly and intimate ground they thrived on as a whole. There are so many words, and Ash fades in and out as her attention span wavers, that she struggles to cling on as long as possible because _it’s them_ , this old delight that puts a spring in her step and flips her stomach that she wants to bounce out this very instant.

Shepard finally rises, smoothing down her black uniform and straightening the gold bars on her collar, where they exchange the comfortable looks they have memorised, like wind rustling leaves kindly in love notes, song phrases of _be careful, stay safe, please message me_ , growing out into the air to coil around their chests and linking them, that Ashley knows their roots have sprouted back to start anew, a dead winter passing into budding spring.

 

-

 


End file.
